*knock knock*

SILENCE

*knock knock knock*
”Hello?”

SILENCE

If you knock and wait long enough, you inevitably find yourself tapping your foot…

Why aren’t they answering?
Why is the door still shut in my face?
How long do they expect me to wait before I just give up and leave??

I have wondered these very things.
I’d been knocking for months.

Reading back through my journal, I realized I’d been asking for an open door since I began filling the pages 5 months ago.

{November 8, 2014}
I trust you for a fresh perspective, for kingdom eyes
and to light a fire in my soul that burns for You.
May my thirst be quenched by You alone.
May my heart beat to see Your Kingdom come.
May love flow freely.
I need you.
I want you.
God, I look to You.
Help me…”

{January 11, 2015}
“Father,
All I want is to be close to you.
I want to experience you, know you, be in your presence… I’m burdened, but not by a word from you, but the lack of communion with you. Please help me! I need you!
… I miss you. Please Father.”

{January 12, 2015}
“Father, my soul feels so low.
I’m crying out to you.
Rescue me.

Please hear me now. Be with me.
I’m desperate for you.
I’m so tired of the emptiness, of being disconnected.
I’m tired of the walls.
Will you crush them?

Please help…
I want to love you more than anything else!
But I don’t know how.
I’m so distracted. And I feel like love is something I have to conjure up.
This is SO. HARD.
I thought the gospel was easy?
I thought it meant the weight’s not on me?
Then why do I feel like I have to do something before things change?
God, please!
Come!”

{January 16, 2015}
“I want to be CHANGED so that I can actually respond in the SPIRIT for once! What will it take?!
…It’s so frustrating. I want a pure heart!
I want to have faith, not anxiety. I want to spend time in the Kingdom, not the world. I’m so frustrated with my flesh.
God help me!”

{January 19, 2015}
“Father,
I haven’ t been feeling you near. Are you teaching me about desperation for you?
Do I need to become desperate before you’ll answer?
What do you want, Father?
If you want me, you have me. I am yours.
I don’t have an incredible amount of faith right now. But I am yours.
You know anything else would just be mustered up anyway! I want the real thing.
True faith.
Why do I doubt you? Of all the experiences I’ve had with you, how could I ever doubt?!
God, I want all my life to come from you. Please change me, remake me, that I’m dependent on you.
…Help me.
HELP me PLEASE God… to hope.
To dream big dreams.
To believe ALL things are possible with you.”

{January 29, 2015}
“Why is my heart so ugly?
Why do you feel so far away?
I don’t even know what to write. I feel like I’m repeating myself.
I’m tired.
I’m tired of praying for rescue and you don’t come.
I’m tired of asking for a new heart but I’m still ugly.”

{February 11, 2015}
“God…
Help me to be FREE.
Oh, I want to be free.”

{February 13, 2015}
“I feel like crap today…
I feel so unloved. …
I hate feeling like this. Stuck.”

{March 5, 2015}
I can’t believe the date.
Moreover, I can’t believe I’ve been praying the same prayer for SO LONG.
I constantly feel like a failure…
I’m not experiencing God.
I feel like he doesn’t hear my prayers.
I want to be a different person.
I feel trapped.
I don’t get it. At all.
Does God even hear? Does anything even change??”

{March 14, 2015}
God, I’m tired of feeling guilty… Please take my guilt.
Please help me desire nothing more than I desire You!”

{March 15, 2015}
“How could anyone love a failure like me??”

 

Screen Shot 2015-04-12 at 8.32.59 PM

*knock…

 

 


*knock…

 

 


*knock…

 

 

 

 

 
My husband and I recently took advantage of some time off and took a mini-getaway.
When we arrived back to our hotel room at the end of the day, he made himself comfortable on the couch and looked so perfectly content and peaceful as he sat reading his Bible and then closed his eyes in prayer.

What did I do in the mean time?

I got raging mad.
That’s right… I was livid.

I had to watch as the door I had been knocking on for months was seemingly just opened right up for him.

WHAT?!!
Why not me, God?!
Why don’t you answer??!

Up until this point, I hadn’t been able to verbalize my frustrations except that I was tired of praying the same prayer. Tired of wanting to be changed but left feeling so ugly and unlovable. Tired of wanting an intimacy and depth of relationship with God that felt so unreciprocated.

But somehow, in this moment, I was able to formulate the words to describe to Chris a picture of what my frustration felt like. Suddenly it made so much sense to me.

I had been knocking on an unanswered door.

“Babe… it’s like I’ve been standing at this door forever. Knocking.
And God’s sitting inside the house… in this big comfy chair. And all I want to do is sit with Him. Be in His presence and be loved by Him. But He’s not answering the door!!
…So when I see you sitting with Him… enjoying Him… it hurts, you know? Because it feels like I’m not welcome. Like… He’ll open the door for you… but not for me.
…Why not me??”

After we talked, I went into the other room and lay face down on the bed with the image inside my head of myself knocking on the door, and God in a big cozy chair inside, where I so desperately wanted to enter.
I tried to pray.

As I pictured myself standing and knocking, what I saw in my mind changed.

The door opened.
As it was pulled back, the face of the One who opened it smiled at me.

JESUS.

JESUS opened the door for me.

For a brief moment, my doubting mind thought in response, But who says I can come in??
And, hearing my thought, He answered aloud, “I DID.”

A wave of relief and comfort rushed over me as I realized the truth in what I had just seen.

I didn’t bring anything with me to the door.
I didn’t accomplish anything in order for Jesus to open the door for me.
God didn’t yell out from his armchair, “Hey, Jesus! Who’s at the door? What did they bring? What did they do to earn their entrance?”

All that matters is that Jesus deemed me worthy enough to let me in.

So when God sees me, He sees Jesus’ approval. He sees Jesus Himself.
And that is all I need to enter in.

During my months of knocking, I had believed that I was unworthy and had to do something to earn God’s attention and affection. I had believed that God was distant – – because I didn’t feel Him. And all too often, I had thought of myself as unlovable.
The truth is that these were all LIES… the enemy’s deception to keep me from experiencing intimacy with my Father.

But in the truth of this open door, the countless lies of not being good enough or having to do something to earn my welcome are smashed.
The belief that God is distant melts away as I see that He was there all along and it was my false thinking that made me feel so far.
And any remaining feelings of being unloved are proven false in the smiling face at the door… I am loved, and the Father so desires for me to enter in and just sit with Him.

Because of Jesus, the door is always open, and I am welcome in.

Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
{John 14:6}

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