After hurting my back in November and having to go through physical therapy for a couple months before being allowed to return to full capacity at work treating patients, I was devastated when I injured it again in March. I know that my value is not derived from my job, but it was an extremely difficult time for me personally because I was no longer receiving affirmation from and interacting with my patients.

Interacting with the people that I help every day is my favorite part of being a therapist. I discussed in my previous “Things Patients Say” blog posts (see Part One and Part Two) how, at my job, humor helps us get through what otherwise might be somewhat depressing or difficult situations and circumstances. Many people are very sick or have just sustained a life-altering injury. Others are coping with the challenges of becoming older and less active. Having the love for and interaction with each other is healing on a human level that we might not completely ever understand.

When I was finally allowed to return to working with patients, I felt like I was floating! I couldn’t wait to have assigned patient rooms again so that I could join patients individually on their journeys through rehab. Let me tell you… I’ve had some amazing patients. Haha. And amazing patients equals amazing patient quotes.

Hope you’re ready for “Things Patients Say… (Part 3)!”

Male Patient: “I’ll get in the shower… if you get in with me.”

Female Patient: “The better looking they are, the less you can trust them!”

Male Patient: (in the shower) “Oooh! It’s running down my crack!! COLD! …shows you what kind of bada** I am!”

Male Patient (attempting to get dressed): “I can’t get these pants on…”
(a few minutes later) “I’d rather watch your pretty legs do it anyway.”

Me: “Who’s going to take care of you when you go home?”
Patient: “That’s a d*mn good question.”
Me: “Well then, don’t get mad at me when I want you to be independent!”
Patient: “I’m not mad at you… I’m proud of you for the way you respect elders and sh*t.”

93-year-old Male Patient: “My wife and I have been married 73 years… You’d better hurry up and get married or else you won’t be married very long before you die!”

Patient (in the shower): “I’m going to be a while… you might want to grab a book!”

Male Patient: “Scrub my back! Yeah, scrub the ham out of it! … heard that before? Like a hambone!! hahaha!”

Male Patient: “Boy, you sure are a good little old bather, aren’t you? You get the job done!”

Patient: “Where have you been this whole time?”
Me: “Well, I don’t have assigned rooms, so I float…”
Patient: “I always get the grumpy ones. But I like you. You should stay here with me.”

Male Patient (while shaving): “I believe I’d like to get on the toilet. I can just shave and sit on the toilet.
(a few minutes later) … I’ve never shaved on the toilet before, but there’s a first time for everything!”

Patient: I’ve got underwear older than you!”

Patient (while working on standing balance by picking up objects off the floor): “I didn’t know I’d be picking up pieces of sh*t off the floor!”
(a few minutes later) “If you see me doing this at home, throw me in the nut house!”

Tech to patient about me: “Isn’t she beautiful? She’s a ray of sunshine!”
Patient: “I’d like to have half a dozen just like her!”

Male Patient: “Are you married?”
Me: “No sir.”
Male Patient: “Oh… if I was a young man, I’d be stumbling over your toes!”

Female Patient: “I tell you what, I can’t wait to get home, strip naked, and let it ALLLLL hang out!”

Patient with cranial swelling: “Don’t tell me I’m doing well… it will give me a big head!”
(a few minutes later) “I’ll have to get a new helmet!”

Me to Patient after working on bathing: “The only thing you had trouble with was cleaning your own bottom.”
Patient: “Yeah, that’s hard to do with these short little arms and big ole’ butt!”

Patient: “I love when you talk about Jesus because it just spills out of you!”

Patient: “You have replaced my trips to the pain clinic… you have really helped me!”

A speech therapist is on one side of the room, behind a curtain with my patient’s roommate. She tells her a story that she is to remember, including details regarding a trip to California, and someone’s grandma making oatmeal cookies.
My patient interjects loudly, “Oh my GOD! Oatmeal cookies are my FAVORITE! I LOVE your grandma!!”

I leave my patient seated in her wheelchair at the bathroom sink, brushing her teeth, while I get something for her from her closet. I hear a loud crash and she yells from the bathroom, “I sorry!”

Male Patient: “I just can’t figure out why you’re not married!”

Male Patient: “I tell you what… if I wasn’t married, I’d be after you!”

Male Patient: “If I wasn’t doing anything, I’d ask you on a date tonight!”
Me: “Well, shoot. I haven’t been on a date in a long time!”
Patient: “Well HELL FIRE! What’s wrong with these boys?”

A nurse approaches my patient and me as we are in the gym exercising. She tells her that she is going to have to give her a shot in her belly.
My patient proceeds to freak out and yell,
“Not my belly! Not my belly! Not my belly!”
The nurse then says, “I’m going to have to take you back to this room…”
Patient replies in a small squeaky voice: “Are you gonna beat me?”

Me: “Mr. __, you just pooped in the shower!”
Patient: “Well SH*T FIRE!!”

Male Patient: “I tell you what, I just want to holler!”
Me: “What are you going to holler about?”
Patient: “That I’m in love with you!!”

I have a patient with undiagnosed dementia and have been concerned about the decline in his mental status. One day, he turns to me and says very seriously, “You and I both know what’s wrong with me.”
Me (thinking he’d figure it out) : “What’s that?”
Patient: “I’m in love with you.”

Male Patient: “I tell you what, I’ve never been so happy to see anyone in my entire life!”

Male Patient: “I’d love to…” (never finishes thought)
Me: “You’d love to what?”
Patient: (turns and looks me dead in the eye) “I’d love to run away with you!!”

Me: “Mmm, someone’s cologne smells good! What’s the name of your cologne?”
Male Patient: “My cologne is called… my cologne is called… my cologne is called… SH*T FIRE!!”

Male Patient:I’m so thankful you came to save me. I couldn’t stand another minute with that woman! She’s wilder than a deer! HELL FIRE!”

Female Patient (undressing): “I feel like a bowl full of jelly!”

Female Patient: “Oh, I just love people like you!”
Me: “People like what?”
Patient: “Funny people!”

Me: “Something smells hot!”
Female Patient: “My rubber’s burnin’!”

Me: “Hi, Mr. __! Do you remember my name?”
Male Patient: “Ingram!”
Me: “Yes, that’s my last name. What’s my first name?
Patient (thinks for a minute): “Cornelius!”

Me (working with patient on fine motor skills): “Mr.__, you have it upside down!”
Patient: “Well HELL!”

Male Patient (as I wheel him in to the therapy gym, he notices wedges used for positioning patients on therapy mats): “Whoa! That looks like something you’d order out of the playboy catalog!”

Male Patient: “Seriously… that playboy magazine has some really good articles. That’s where I learned about the world coming to an end this year. There’s gonna be a big tsunami and we’re going to have oceanfront property right here in Kentucky!”

Male Patient: “I really don’t like to take pills. I’m not a pill person. But man… they gave me something in the hospital that reminded me of my LSD days!”

Male Patient: “Can I steal some sugars?” (leans over and kisses me on the cheek)

Male Patient: “I just love you!” (grabs my butt)

See why I feel loved!? Haha!! Hope you enjoyed reading half as much as I enjoy my patients.
(Now I hope you’ll go spend some quality time in scripture to renew your mind! haha!!)

As always, thanks for reading! =)

2 responses »

  1. Paulette Morgan says:

    Thanks Elizabeth, I really needed that after the upsetting night I have had. This makes me appreciate the people I work with even more. Maybe I should just get a cot and stay at work. It would be more relaxing and I could read your patient funnies online. I love you girl. I am very proud of who you are, all the time. 🙂

    • elizabethree says:

      Aww, I’m sorry that you’ve had an upsetting night! Can I pray for you somehow? I hope that you are still living out that awesome opportunity that God gave you through your new job! BTW, you’re welcome to join me any day at work… it would be free entertainment! heehee. Thank you so much for your encouragement. I love you mucho!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s