Hopefully you have had the opportunity to read my first installment of “Things Patients Say.” If not, you should definitely click HERE and read it before moving on to Part 2!
We are working in mandatory overtime right now, so I’ve been pretty exhausted. My legs feel like rubber, my back feels like it’s in knots, but my biggest problem is my lack of brain cells. My mind is so tired. I hope I don’t live to be too old, because it’s bad enough at 26! Haha!
This morning, I had just introduced myself to a new patient whose daughter was present and getting ready to leave. She explained that she had brought some clean pajamas for him to wear. As I was picking up the bag of pajamas to take with us to the bathroom, I knocked over a full cup of coffee in to the floor, and then DROPPED THE CLEAN PAJAMAS right in the puddle of coffee. Are you kidding me?!
Not to mention, this was after I had been working with a multi-trauma patient and got my hand caught in-between her wheelchair and her elevating leg rest with my other hand supporting her multi-fractured leg. I was stuck. To make matters worse, when the leg rest slammed down on my hand, I hung my head in pain, hitting my forehead on her already-shattered kneecap, which left her yelling out in pain.
So needless to say, today was an interesting day. Working on a Saturday usually means a more laid back day, but it was also the 6th day I’ve worked this week… and I have 6 more days to go. I think the combination of my lack of brain cells with some pretty fun patients made for a day full of great quotes! After so many good ones today, I decided it was time for
Things Patients Say… Part 2!
While talking to a patient about the return of sensation in his fingers after a stroke, he says, “This finger ain’t good for much… except it’s about the right size to stick in my ear.”
Patient to me: You’re little, but you’re stout!
Patient: I need something, but I’m not sure what.
Me: A hug?! (as I hug her)
Patient, whispering to therapy assistant: She’s CRAZY!
Patient: Why’d they send me the best?!
Patient: I want to smoke.
Me: What are you going to smoke? You can’t have cigarettes here.
Patient: Let’s smoke some reefer.
(a few minutes later)
Patient: My reefer stash is in my pocket.
Patient, after transferring to his bed, with his hand on my assistant’s butt: I got a free feel!
Patient to me: You have a nice pooper.
Patient: I don’t care if Obama is white, black, or purple. That peckerhead is crazy.
After helping a woman complete her shower and dressing, I asked her: Do you want to get in the bed to wait for your husband? …Wait. That didn’t sound right. I meant wait for him to get back.
Patient: It’s okay, I’m 84. It’s not much to wait for.
Patient to me as I walked past the lobby where he was sitting: What are you trying to do? Walk around and look pretty? Cause if so, you need to do a better job!
Patient to me: What’s up, ugly?
Patient to me: You’re so pretty, you’ll find a husband in no time!
While helping a patient get a bath…
Patient: I don’t know how you do this. Let’s face it. Some people are just nasty. I can’t stand the smell of dirty humans. Dogs are okay though.
Sweet elderly woman, whispering: Do you smell that?
Me: No, what is it?
Patient: I tooted.
Patient to me: You were dating a pastor? No wonder he dumped you!
Me: Haha, what’s that supposed to mean?
Patient (stuttering): I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know… I’m not sure why I said that.
Patient: Did you hear?! They discovered a hole in the fence of a nudist colony! …the police are looking in to it.
Assistant to patient regarding me: Do you think she’s pretty?
Patient: #$%& yeah!
Patient while getting ready: I need some $%&#*$% deodorant.
Patient: You got any smokes?
Me: What’s that scar from?
Patient (with dementia): My stomach. (pause) Got 36,000 miles on it then blew up!
Patient: God made the world in six days, then he rested. Then he made women and no one has rested since!
Patient: The girls said my perfume is too strong. But the men like it, so who cares about the girls!
While working with a patient along with a therapy tech and a nurse…
Patient (who retired from the Air Force): I’ve been a lot of places in the world, but I’ve never been in a bathroom with three women!
Patient *pops neck*
Therapy tech: Wow, did you hear that? It was his neck!
Me: I thought you farted.
Patient: My neck farted.
Me to patient: Alright, show us how well you can move… but no showing off!
Patient: Yeah, I don’t want to fall and bust my anus!
Patient: You know, I suffer from that disease… ‘noassatall!!’
Me to patient, referring to a fatty tumor: What’s that on your chest?
Patient: Hair? Nipples? …What’s on YOURS?
Patient while bathing: I got soap in my crack. Feels weird.
(a few minutes later) …can’t have soap in my crack, I’ll be fartin’ bubbles!!